Waiting for my flight I check my email, “Tina, Duane and Ineed to come in to see you ASAP. I foundout he has been communicating with another woman and has had drinks with her acouple of times. I suspect more …”
This was the second identical story in one week. Same profile – wonderful professionalmiddle-class couple – bright, talented, loving. Both with great friend and family support. Both working hard to provide for their family. Both with small children who had become thesole focus of their marriage. Both hadignored their marriage for at least 5 years, reducing their interactions tosilence, criticism and withdrawal. Longforgotten was the flirting of their early relationship, the fun, the compassion,romantic thoughtfulness and seductive touch. Long forgotten was their marriage. And long embraced was the notion that all of this neglect wasunavoidable.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in his book Kosher Sex talksabout how a small dose of jealousy can be a reminder that there is alwaysanother woman or man who would love the company of your husband or wife. Outthere is a person whose perspective of your partner is one of mystery,desire, delight and longing. While I am not a big fan of jealousy … I think their might be a hint of wisdom here. If you have forgotten how to see your partnerthrough eyes of appreciation – there may be a silent vulnerability in your marriage – onethat neither of you will want to ignore. There may be a quiet estrangement that feels lonely andunsettling. Whether it is in the forefront or not, you and your partner – allpeople – at their core are hard wired to desire loving connection, pleasure andthe balm of another’s appreciation and delight. If you are feeling unknown, unloved … or unloving … your marriage islikely estranged … and both of you are likely lonely.
To sustain a good marriage is to see it as precious and inneed of intentional loving care. Marriage… a fun marriage … is a continual act of wooing. You would never expect a beautiful summergarden without the work of planting, weeding, feeding, watering and tending. You would never expect beautiful healthyteeth without daily tooth brushing. Youwould never expect a physically fit body if you were not regularly active. Yet in current culture we are surprised whenour husband or wife finds comfort in the affection of another or announces, “Iam done!”. In fact, many couples can bewarned of the effect of their current lifestyle on the stability of theirmarriage and still believe “it will not happen to us” or “we do not have thetime right now” or “I’ll deal with it next year”. Love is as much in need of daily care as ourbody, our teeth or a garden. It cannotbe ignored without impact to the security of the bond that drew you together inthe first place. And since our desirefor connection and pleasure never fades, the desire for love seems to grow indirect proportion to how our marriage attachment is weakened.
I remember sitting with one young couple a few years ago whohad been on this perilous trajectory and whose marriage bond was getting moreand more fragile. Their exhaustion and frustration was palpable but so wastheir longing for the fun and connection they had known before kids. While they longed for each other’s delightand affection they chose a family vacation to Hawaii and a complete home remodelover a 4 day retreat for their marriage or daily loving practices. Seven months later they were in maritalcrisis. As a therapist I have becomeaccustomed to seeing the sign posts along the road. I have also grown familiar with how invisiblethese sign posts can be in light of the culture’s monikers of success – anexotic vacation, a new boat, a remodeled house, a private school. Meanwhile, hearts bleed alone, arms ache forlove, marriages dissolve and kids grow up without a model that allows them tohope for a lasting love.
When I sit with a new love – whether it is someone in their20’s, 30’s or 50’s – they describe the value of their relationship, the need to“keep their love strong” and their desire to “do it better” than their parentsor friends. And while this is absolutelyheartfelt, the power of boredom, familiarity, routine, stress and the pressureto acquire status is seductive, secretive and insidious. Like a slowly eroding hillside, years of ignoring the loving bond, melts theromantic connection one grain at a time until seemingly out of nowhere, thefoundation of the marriage topples taking the entire home and everything in it.
Nothing is more satisfying than feeling deeply loved,appreciated and precious to your partner. Nothing is more fun than to feel their seductive desire. I am not talking about the desire for what you can do for them, the desire for how you can make them feel or the desire for what you canprovide for them. I am talking about the desire for exactlywho you are … plain and simple … loved and chosen. Nothing.
The art of loving in a marriage – when you know each other’sfaults, when there is less mystery, when there are routines – is an art anddaily practice of loving seduction. Itis wrapping your arms around each other and truly letting yourself feel theirpresence, feel their breath, feel their heart, feel their body, feel their loveAND feel your love for them … in the here and now. It is doingthe dishes. It is really listening andreflecting your understanding. It isgetting her flowers or making his favorite meal (or whatever allows them to experienceyour love). It is hearing each other’sdreams, concerns and fears – and it is a willingness to share your own. It is a readiness to be seen and known in yourvulnerabilities and insecurities while hearing these revelations of the other.It is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, that at the end of the day (each day),you made your marriage a priority by demonstrating your love andcommitment.
Like infants who come into this world in need of love andprotection, your marriage without adequate and deliberate care, will also failto thrive. If it is ignored, it might eventually lose its desire to live …while you desperately try to revive it. Save your marriage each day by offeringromantic love whether your beloved is easy to love that day or not … andreceive their love, whether you feel deserving of love or not. Love heals, bonds and sustains. It is yourcalling, your heart, your art and your commitment.
