“I have nowhere to turn and I have myself all jumbled up inside.” Before me sat a 28 year old Christian woman who had been in a wonderful loving relationship for about a year. Bridget talked about her boyfriend, Mark, and how fabulous it was to be in a loving relationship. “I finally found a guy who values what I value and loves what I love … we are crazy about each other without trying or changing who we are. Our relationship is so easy and fun!”
“But I don’t know what to do with sex” She continued. “I feel badly about everything we do – and everything we don’t do. I feel completely lost. When I try to reconcile my faith with our sexual relationship, all I hear is “don’t”. No one seems to be able to talk this through with me. Mark gave up trying a long time ago – but I am still wrestling.”
Weekly I hear this kind of scenario as well as other valuable stories of unmarried Christian adults in their twenties and thirties who have stories of love, of hurt, of desire, of hope, of disappointment and of sacred joy held in their lived sexual stories. Yet what is also common – is how silenced these experiences are within their religious community. Inside the black and white mandate “No sex before marriage … period”, are many young adults in need of a loving community to hold them as they navigate sexual desire and sexual experience. Young adults want an open non-condemning conversation about the role of sexual desire in their lives and relationships. They want to believe that their sexuality and their spirituality can be and are connected. They want to be responsible for their decisions and the consequences of those decisions. They do not want to be preached at, told what to do or to pretend in silence that they are not dealing with sexuality. They want openness, respect, caring curiosity, conversation and guidance. Powerful stories at the core of our human experience are meant to be shared in loving community – and are meant to be held in grace, love and respect.
Can we dare to enter into the crevasse of possible ways to listen and hear the variety of sexual and relational experiences of the young adults in our community? According to the National Center for Health Statistics study published in 2005, by the age of 22, 90%of all young adults have been or are sexually active. Can we hear these stories in love, without judgment or telling them what to do or not do? Can we trust young adults to wrestle with God and with the love of their community, find a way to integrate their desire for God with their desire for touch? Can we dare to hear about a faith filled relationship where sexual desire and sexual pleasure is experienced before the marriage ceremony? Can we take up the courage to see there are sexual and relational experiences prior to marriage that can cause harm, can be powerfully healing and nourishing or simply can be experiences of valuable learning? Can we begin to discuss together as a community of married, unmarried, divorced, single and widowed adults, what qualities are present in loving, nourishing, grace-filled and just relationships. Those where sexual expression is an element, and those without sexual touch? Those that are in a married context and those that are not? Do we want to receive each other in grace and openness based solely on what behaviors people are or are not doing in private?
If we do not take up the courage to talk honestly and listen deeply, we continue to turn this core life experience into an unspeakable dilemma. Our spiritual longing is part of our sexual longing … and our sexual longing is part of our spiritual longing. Our Hebrew ancestor’s knew this. When we pretend they are separate – that one is acceptable and the other not – we cast a part of ourselves and our community into the shadows. We cut the body apart – our bodies and the body of faith. This population of cut off and cast off young adults are leaving the church in droves. They are choosing places where they can be seen, known, heard and valued – even in their questions and wrestling with God. Far too many are choosing to completely walk away from their faith or faith community instead of live with a sexuality that cannot be reconciled with their Christian faith.
Jesus gives the example of how to listen and hear. We have no excuse.
YES.
Yes, yes.
I agree with you on some of this. I do believe that sexuality is a beautiful, God-given part of ourselves. However, this is a gift that comes with responsibility, and one that God has set specific boundaries with. I can't agree that it is unreasonable to expect young adults (or any age, for that matter!) to remain virtuous before they are married. That is the philosophy of men. Our purpose in this life is to master ourselves–to make our body subject to our spirit, rather than the other way around. That's one reason why God asks us to delay sexual relations (not just intercourse) until marriage–not because it should be easy, but because the difficulty of it builds qualities in ourselves that He wants us to have.
Rachel –
Thank you for your comment … and believe it or not, I agree it is reasonable “to expect young adults to remain virtuous before they are married.” I think it is wonderful not only to have expectations for our kids to wait to become sexually intimate until they are older (a young adult), in the freedom and safety of a deeply committed relationship … but to also raise them to understand why God wishes for them to experience their sexuality as a delicious healing and transcendent gift of His Love. Sexual intimacy can only be a bonding transcendent experience in the safety of loving commitment and there are real reasons why this is. Other conditions need to be taught as well.
I write about ‘how’ to teach and model these relationship conditions throughout a child/adolescent’s life AND why this training is absolutely critical. The reality is that young adults are marrying on average between 26 – 28 and by the age of 20 90% of young adults ARE already sexuality active. They are having sexual experiences and absorbing what culture is feeding them … much of which conditions them for sexual ignorance and sexual pain in marriage. My question is that without careful loving specific spiritually integrated sex education throughout a child’s life … how many sexually active young adults/adults are having the kind of sexual experience and kind of committed relationship that God desires to bless them with?? From my practice and teaching I can tell you that the vast amount of Christian’s prior to and AFTER marriage are not experiencing the sexual relationship that God intends. There is enormous shame, confusion and pain. This is NOT pain caused just because kids are having sex before marriage … it is because of the silence and shame that we give youth when we give them no instruction, no safe conversations, no help in navigating our confused and superficial culture … nothing but a static expectation. “You are expected to not have sex until you are married”. Period. That is not enough! If we want youth to exercise self-control – we need to help them understand what God wants to give them, how to prepare and what they are waiting for … specifically. AND we need to be a safe place of grace and wisdom as they make mistakes in their learning process. Here are more articles about this issue: http://tinaschermersellers.blogspot.com/search/label/sexual%20health
Thanks for your response! I feel like I understand better what you were saying before. I absolutely agree that there needs to be open dialogue and specific preparation from someone trusted (rather than the media, friends, the world in general) for people to achieve a happy and healthy sexual relationship within marriage. I'm glad you are raising your voice to help.