When two people commit to each other they do so believing their love is strong and want it to grow even stronger over time. My dad used to call marriage a Mutual Admiration Society and had the letters MAS on the wall in the family room – front and center. For many as they make this vow, it is hard to believe their relationship could ever falter. But all who have lived even a few years of better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health, know that the struggles of life have a way of attacking the very foundation of love.
Marriage is not a noun … it is a verb you live … as you attend to your relationship … or don’t. Strong, loving, playful, connected marriages are planted, weeded, watered and nourished often … and their soil is forgiving. They grow beautiful only when taken care of.
So, in honor of your love and desire to grow stronger, below are tools that when taken seriously, practiced consistently and executed intentionally, can keep your connection strong and delicious.
1. Seethe Cultivation of Intimacy as a Spiritual Practice – with at least as muchintention, thought and effort as you would put into building a business or becoming a great artist or master gardener.
· You are a team inviting a sacred encounter
· Each of you has special strengths. Ask yourself, what do I have to offer? What does my partner have tooffer?
· Each of you has areas in which to grow. What is your growing edge in building sacredintimacy? Where does your partner want to grow?
· How can you stay diligent to growing this edge? What support can you give yourself? What support can you ask your partner for?
· Remember you cannot grow a beautiful vitalgarden without nourished soil, sun, water, and tending. An abundant deeply connected relationshipneeds the same consistent care and tending. Ignore a garden and it dies or disappears … intimacy follows the same pattern.
2. Livein the Now – but plan for the long run
· Growing deep love takes patience anddiscipline. It also takes time andgrace. When delicious, joy is with you –breathe it in and let it strengthen and nourish you. When the hard times come,be patient, extend grace to yourself and your partner, and keep your long rangeperspective. From some future place you will look back on this difficult time and see your areas of growth and reflect on yourstrength and the strength of your love. In the meantime,have faith, extend grace, breathe and trust.
o Old habits can change … slowly with practice andpatience.
o Old wounds can heal with time and compassion
· Support each others efforts generously
o Notice and comment on the positive – the changeyou want to see more in yourself and thechange you want to see more in your partner
o Control and diminish ruminations and tiradesabout the negative – yours or your partner’s less than ideal responses. This keeps you stuck and closes your heart.
o Be accountable to your words and actions – whatyou say and don’t say, what you do and don’t do.
o Play and have fun. As paradoxical as it sounds, this is one ofthe most important activities you can do for your marriage. Play and fun build strong bonds of intimacy and do wonders to relieve stress! Find excuses to laugh and be silly – act likechildren and teenagers whenever you can. Find your impulsive creativity in the celebration of life.
3. Appreciate Your Differences
· Your differences are a unique contribution to the relationship.
o As a woman – live into your sensual, passionate, relational and spiritual powers
o As a man – live into your protective, nourishing, and supportive powers
o See your personality differences as opportunities to learn patience, compassion, grace and humility
o Look for opportunities to light up your partner
4. Time is precious – use it intentionally andproductively – let all touch create love (heart open, eyes engaged, senses open,attention, presence and breath). Each day find small but consistent ways to touch your love for each other -
o When you wake up together – before leaving yourbed
o Before you leave the house for the day
o When you come home from the day
o When you go to bed
