As I prepare for our next Couple’s Sacred Intimacy Retreat as well as a couple of upcoming talks, I find myself thinking about the eight couple’s that bravely ventured into the vulnerable world of intimacy at our last retreat in March. When I prepare, I immerse myself in reading, thinking and writing. But woven into that fabric is the thread of everyday … especially the thread that engages my own imperfect practice as my partner’s beloved.
In this recent weaving of work and partnership I felt myself crimson with irony. For ten days I had been entertaining, housing 8 people and one 4 month old puppy in our urban cottage while attempting to discreetly maintain the cooking, cleaning and laundry that must continue when you are entertaining and housing a small zoo. As my exhaustion grew, I kept my cheerfulness for all who would greet me (outside my bedroom), but began to growl at Gary. Like any modern 21st century partner … my exhaustion and crumbling discreet-ness was ALL HIS FAULT! He was to be my BMW – my ultimate driving machine. But instead, he was just staying out of my way! (Completely understandable now that I am clear headed!)
So, when Tina feels tired and alone, she turns to blame (the favorite costume of shame). It is not a pretty sight! One thing I have learned in my many years of partnership is to keep my mouth shut when I know opening it would only produce projectile verbal vomit. I figure, why create more toxic waste. (One small success … many faults to go!) The unfortunate truth about this state … is that I am as warm as dry ice and as cuddly as a porcupine. My beloved is wise and patient. Thank God!!
Inside my wall of cranky, I can hear myself instructing me to “breathe”, to be graceful when exhausted – with me and with him. I am reminded that when you do not have alone time together you eventually feel alienated. Plain and simple. Loving, connecting, touching, listening with your beloved is what releases oxytocin … it’s your love drug. The harsh reality of the human animal is that the brain drugs we feel at the onset of a relationship – “all you need is love” – only last, say the brain researchers, four years – tops! After that, the only way to get some of those yummy, ‘come hither’ drugs is to give and receive love with your partner. Sometimes even when you are goose-pimply with ice. Listen, touch, connect, play, laugh, share pleasure … love. It is the best way to melt that icy prison and return you to your soft and sensual, luscious self.
So … with a little bit of breathing, a little bit of ‘self-talk’, a little dose of compassion for both of us … I managed to crawl into bed exhausted but grateful for my beloved … the patient one who waits for me to come around … and who forgives and loves me in spite of both our faults.
So … to those sweet couples who vulnerably revealed their most tender hearts to each other … and who have since slogged through the drowning demands of life while attempting to slay the dragon of blame … I am thinking of you. And I am with you … waking up everyday asking God to give me the grace and compassion to answer the call to love and to understand in a deeper way that I, even with all my faults, am God and Gary’s Beloved.
