The Lucious Delight of Anticipation

Posted on May 16, 2012 by

“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.”       A.A. Milne

Anticipation by Rob Hefferan

 The sun lately in Seattle has been breathtaking, warm and luscious on skin that has been three layers deep in some black fabric.  The Beloved and I have pulled out the bikes and taken most weekends to ride to some brewery around the Northwest.  Other than getting my seat accustomed to the initial torture of  … you know … it has been glorious.  I’m not sure what this weekend holds – but I am looking forward to another dry and warm weekend on the bike and some cold microbrew at the end. I must confess however – one of the favorite things about biking is the ability to listen to books I don’t have time to read, but really want to!! So far I have “read” The Hunger Games, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, The Poisenwood Bible … and now … 50 Shades of Grey.  Yep … you guessed it! Which brings me to the focus of this blog … the eroticism in expanding anticipation.  E.L. James exquisitely describes how each of the main characters grows anticipation and desire in the other. I am convinced it is part of what makes this book so hot and why it has affectionately been called “mommy porn”.

 In a culture like ours which suggests waiting for anything is “unfortunate” at best and “unnecessary” at worst, we slowly get lulled into the notion that it is the possessing of something that is the link to our happiness.  But rather, I believe it is the longing in desire that brings that luscious alive feeling.  When we feel anticipation, our senses are heightened, our mind is quickened, and our attention is pulled into the moment.  We are fully alive when we are in the midst of anticipating something pleasurable. In ancient Hebrew sacred texts, it was desire that was seen as the heart of all creativity and passion and the example of the breath of God within us.  In marriage we can easily get numbed by tasks and acquisitions and miss the heat and juice that comes when we intentionally grow anticipation and desire.  Think about the last time you knew something you really wanted was upcoming … maybe a trip, maybe the visit of an old friend, maybe a gathering of friends, maybe some surprise you had planned for your lover.  Can you remember the amount of delight in the anticipation, the eagerness, the creative juices that were flowing as you thought of ways to make it even more memorable? Anticipation is one of the potent ingredients at the early stage of a relationship and it is anticipation that infuses and expands the erotic tension that we love to hate.

 How could you expand anticipation in your relationship?  If you plan a nice dinner out … maybe you could put some planning into how you can increase the anticipation involved. Here is something The Beloved recently did.  A week before my birthday he told me to be ready to be picked up at 5 – he had a night planned that involved many different locals … and that is all he would say.  I knew nothing … except what the appropriate attire would be.  (He at least answered that question.) He was coy, not answering my inquiries, dropping hints but then acting nonchalant. In many ways it was the time and effort he put into growing the anticipation that heightened my senses to experience more fully the night when it finally came. Anticipation and desire flavor and spice the object of your desire, and heighten the experience of it when it finally comes.  Without pleasureable anticipation our lives and our love can become rout, routine, predictable, boring.

If you are in need of some spicy fun in your relationship here are a few ideas on how to build anticipation :

  1.  Design a scavenger hunt for your lover – around the house or from local to local, something that your lover would experience as playful and delightful.  For example tape notes on chocolate hearts that have him going around the house to get the final message which could be a chocolate heart that has been inside your bra all soft and ready to be eaten.
  2. Get tickets to an upcoming concert or show (or whatever would float her boat) and tell her to set the date aside.  Slowly over 2 weeks give her hints … but drag it out and tease her with it.
  3. Get up one morning and tell her to stay in bed (do this at night if you have small interrupting little-ones in your house).  Put together a yummy breakfast.  When you bring it to her, throw a twist in things and tell her that you are going to bind her hands with a long silk scarf and feed the breakfast to her. Ask her what bite she wants first … then give her something else.  Tease her with it. Be playful. See if you can get you both laughing with delight.  Feel free to eat some of her breakfast in front of her … or off of her toes … or?

As Winnie the Pooh suggests, savor the moments BEFORE the honey. 

Please Tell Your Friends … ONLY 3 spots left in the October Couple’s Intimacy Retreat.  72 hours of delicious pleasure while learning the art of love!! 

OCTOBER 18 – 21, 2012 at the Pan Pacific, Seattle

Click here to register

Click here for more information

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Do You Make Love Every Day?

Posted on April 25, 2012 by

I recently received an email from a colleague that encouraged my little soul – and had me thinking again about how we limit sex and lovemaking by reducing it to a set of behaviors instead of focusing on intimacy and pleasure.  When “sex” – especially in the long-term relationship – is allowed to be multiple forms of touch where deep connection and  sexual pleasure are experienced, sex becomes a creative erotic love-dance designed perfectly for that moment … any moment.  Love making can be an “I want you hug” in the middle of a cocktail party, or an “I’m so glad to see you kiss” at the end of the day, or an “I don’t want to leave you caress” in the morning before crawling out of bed.  It is an erotic leaning-in of the mind, body, heart and soul.

So often I hear from couples caught in the cross-fire of life about how mundane their sex lives.  This complaint is usually tossed out with a comparison to “how it used to be” and “why isn’t it that way now?”  Does this sound familiar?  When love is new, mysterious – in its first flame, we are so caught up in the rush of desire that we don’t notice that all our forms of touch are an erotic leaning-in.  That is why even brushing hands can be electric.  All parts of us are present, wanting more connection, more erotic pleasure … more sacred private moments. All of our attention is focused on giving and receiving love.  We are determined and intentional.  The art of loving over the long run is to create this kind of longing through cultivating multiple moments every day where you are leaning in to your love and desire and expressing it through touch.

There are soooo many ways of touching that bring intimacy and pleasure.  We’ve got 5 electric senses and lots of luscious skin. In fact, we are only limited by our imagination and our limited focus on what “should” happen and in what order.  Can you remember the last time erotic touch lingered with you all day?  When you could still feel the touch, see their eyes, feel the longing?  Can you remember the last time a smile spontaneously erupted as your mind wandered back to an erotic leaning-in moment? If you wanted your lover to remember your touch, your love, your desire for them … what would you offer?  How would you touch – where and in what way? How would you engage your eyes, your lips, your breath … your body-heart?

Here’s the email:

Hi Tina,

I mentioned to you at the WAMFT conference about a particular excerpt from “Caught Between the Sheets” – an article you wrote back in 2006, that really helped open up some space for some clients of mine.  They were really struggling (especially the female) with the pressure of not feeling like they were having sex (intercourse) enough and feeling like failures or that somehow their relationship lacked intimacy and closeness.  We had a long discussion spurred on by this passage:

“Sexual expression of any kind that involves the heart, soul and body honors each person and their creator is ‘real sex’.  It all counts – everything from being nose to nose breathing deeply together, gazing into each other’s eyes, and sending all the love from your life and the divine into the soul and body of your lover, to hours of intentional multi-sensory sacred sexual celebrations. The ‘goal’ (to use a patriarchal metaphor) is not orgasm, ejaculation or intercourse. It is to deeply touch and to be touched, spirit, soul and body, in such an intentional way as to open up space to be a conduit of love into your heart, your lovers heart and ultimately spilling over into a world that needs healing and love.”

I love it!  It hits so many people!  We are so heavily influenced by the cultural ideals (mostly taken from the media and the big talkers making up stories in the locker room) about what sex is.  It is such a limiting idea to have it focus merely on intercourse itself. It is such a small part of the huge picture of what intimacy is in a relationship.  And, I don’t mean to lessen it’s importance, just it’s unwillingness to share the spotlight.  Now my clients go around joking that they just had sex while they’re holding hands going down the street and even a peck on the cheek.  It has really taken the pressure off and has freed them up to have fun with all kinds of physical intimacy with one another.  Those simple pecks and hands on the knee and shoulder rubs have taken on much more meaning and has made them feel they are drawing closer.

So thanks Tina! I look forward to reading more!

Becky, A Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Seattle”

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The Whisper of Life’s Sacredness …

Posted on April 18, 2012 by

When is life sacred to you?  When do you sense a divine physical intimacy with God? The other day, mid-way through a long bike ride, friends and I sat on a sun drenched grassy knoll. Shoes came off nearly as fast as food came out.  The sun was soft and enveloping, and my face turned toward it as if it was afraid it might miss the kiss.  My toes in the grass danced in the moist, soft invitation.  Home.  There was a sense I was being touched by a long lost lover.  Joy.  For me this is God’s longing to touch us sensually, intentionally and intimately.  To hold us and share in the sensual pleasure within the gift of creation.  

In this poem by Pablo Neruda, I am reminded of my need to stop, feel, breath, taste, listen to the longing whisper of the Shekhinah (feminine aspect of the presence of God) all around me.  May we all stop long enough to feel her whispered longing … as she invites us to dance.

“Keeping Quiet” by Pablo Neruda

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.

For once on the face of the earth,
let’s not speak in any language;
let’s stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fisherman in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would look at his hurt hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.

Now I’ll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.

—from Extravagaria (translated by Alastair Reid, pp. 27-29, 1974)

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Registration Now Open for the Next Couple’s Intimacy Retreat

Posted on April 3, 2012 by

October 18-21, 2012 at the Pan Pacific Hotel on South Lake Union, Seattle

If life and demands have taken the spark out of your love life or if you want to keep the fire of desire burning, this 3 day couple’s intimacy retreat promises to ignite the flame. Like becoming a great musician, becoming a great lover is more than just desire … it’s an ancient spiritual art form. Unfortunately due to culture and traditional religious teaching most are unaware of the powerful capacity for healing and sexual pleasure available when sexuality is infused with spirituality. God gave us the delicious experience of sexual desire and sexual expression on purpose – with the intent that we would experience abundant aspects of what it is to love deeply – both the giving and receiving. We were created to know potent experiences of loving a beloved other. It is our mirror experience into the Creator’s great love for us.

During the Sacred Intimacy Retreat, couples set time aside to invest in becoming the lovers they were created to be. Over breakfast we uncover the spiritual side of sexuality and unpack all the messages of sexuality that have hindered us. We have lunch together and then spend time in men’s and women’s groups discussing what it means to apply what we are learning. Private time is allocated each afternoon for couples to practice new ways to enhance sexual and spiritual intimacy through specific sacred touching practices.

While you are rekindling desire, the Pan Pacific will provide the ultimate sensual feast for sight, sound, smell, taste and touch!! The hotel is beautiful and sits at the heart of the newest vibrant Seattle neighborhood. Sensual nourishment is one of the things the Pan Pacific does best – the rooms are elegant with two person tubs, ipod docs for your favorite music, and beds with sheets that are luxurious. The food for the opening and closing receptions and breakfast and lunch each day will be made by John Howie’s Seastar Restaurant adjacent to the hotel. Delicious doesn’t even begin to describe it! And if you have a hankering for more chocolate or a container of fresh raspberries … Whole Foods is on the bottom floor!

This retreat gives couple’s what is needed to build a marriage that thrives in today’s stressful culture. As a couple’s therapist, I watch marriages end that never would have ended if folks had learned and practiced what is covered in this retreat. A year of therapy will run you $7200, a disconnected marriage, much more. Don’t let the slow slide of a fading connection and growing disillusionment catch you by surprise! This 3 day retreat promises to nourish and restore you, your relationship and your sexual intimacy and is $1995.00. This covers all training material, the intimacy program, opening and closing receptions and breakfast and lunch each day. Rooms are booked separately directly with the hotel and are being offered at $159/night (regularly $250-$325/night). Registration is open to 8 couples and closes when full.

Come experience what you and your beloved were created for – and enter an amazing new world where love, sex and intimacy flourish.

For more information

To Register

Frequently Asked Questions

What couple’s are saying -

This retreat did a wonderful job of showing me what’s been missing in my view of intimacy and sexuality. It’s put our marriage on an upward trajectory and brought back some of that “honeymoon” feeling for us.          Shane, Married 19 yrs

This retreat is something I wish I had done 20 years ago. The things you will learn about yourself, about your spouse, about your marriage, about intimacy, about God will blow you away and change your life for the better forever. Go!             Angie

This retreat changed our marriage and I don’t just mean our sex life. Truly, the way we interact with each other will never be the same.             Sarah, Married 4 years

This was the best time and money I have ever spent on a vacation. We all like to get a good return on our investment. I can honestly say the lifelong return on this investment cannot be beat.             Zack

This is an opportunity to listen, share and learn how to love and be loved and be more connected in your relationship. It’s something every couple should learn so their marriage can be all that it can be.             Terry, Married 31 yrs

This retreat has left me forever changed, in every way. Not only is my marriage better, but I feel like I’m a better woman, a better mom, a better person.          Angela, Married 19 yrs

This is absolutely an investment that warrants consideration given how influential the connection with your partner is to personal well-being, happiness, fulfillment, and hope in life. If you value these things, and you find yourself lacking, then this is an opportunity to get positive, long-lasting results in a short period of time.            Joe, Married 6 years

You can’t put a price on your marriage. Seriously, for our situation this was not financially easy. However, in the end it was worth every penny!                  Amanda

The weekend provides an opportunity to focus on each other in ways we rarely do, and to view the gift of sexuality in a powerfully healthy way.                Bill, Married 40 yrs

This retreat is not to be missed if you seek to take your relationship to a new deeper level of connection, communication, and spirituality.              Luke, Married 15 years

I have learned to be intentional to set time aside – time for love-making (not just intercourse) – where we prepare our hearts and minds for that time together. Within that time we are spontaneous and enjoy the moment wherever it leads us.         Leslie, Married 30 yrs

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Is your marriage following the wrong set of rules?

Posted on March 28, 2012 by

After sitting with couples recently I began wondering if marriage isn’t somehow harder these days?  So many couples I know are wondering why they are unhappy … fighting, distant, dissatisfied, hurting and exhausted.  One woman recently said to me, “Marriage wasn’t supposed to be this way.  This is not what I signed up for.  We work all the time, struggle to make ends meet, are totally stressed out and frankly, too exhausted to be anything other than cranky toward each other.”

Life right now for many (if not most) young families is nothing short of brutal.  Nearly all of their physical energy, emotional energy, financial resources and time are exhausted by daily life.  They are up early, dropping kids off at school, off to work, home late, rushing through dinner and night chores, working some more and falling into bed two hours too late … all to get up and do it again.  Nothing seems to be stretching to accommodate … not their schedule, not their money, not their energy, not their time and certainly not their patience.  They are frustrated with life and far too often taking it out on each other.  “Why couldn’t you …”; “Why did you …”;  “Why won’t  you …”; “You never …”; “You always …”; anger… silence … distance … despair … loneliness.

Life and marriages surviving stressful times is not new to humanity.  We have done this before … and we will do it again.  And while we may have said in our marriage vows, “for better or worse”, something about this particular ‘worse’ is dissolving the resolve of married life – and inviting people to attack and blame each other.  Somehow in this new economic landscape there is a type of disillusionment and resentment that seems a bit startling to many … and I have begun to wonder what factors might be influencing our management of this stressful time.

Could it be that we have grown up believing that if we work hard and do the right thing that we will be saved from hardship?  That somehow we are entitled to ease and happiness?

Could it be that we believe what the advertisers say … “If it is broken or old or not working like ‘it should’, we can replace it with a new one?”  As if we should never have to put up with anything not working perfectly or meeting our needs?

Could it be that since our work is industry and not a crop that we are less clear about hardship and how to manage it?  Rather than a season of drought, are we more likely to see hardship as someone’s fault?

Marriage and parenting follow a different set of rules then commerce.  Like other aspects of life … it follows a spiritual set of rules and rhythms.  First and last, cold and hot, hard and easy, give and take, love and suffering.  There is no summer without a winter.  No summit without a climb.  No lush forest without rain.  No beautiful garden without a lot of tending and work.  No fit body without a lot of sweat.   The  mystical, magical, challenging life of relationships asks us to love our partners and our children even when they are unlovable … not because it is good for them or our relationship (which it is) but becasue it is good for US.  When they struggle and fall we are asked to hold their hands, wipe their tears and help them stand.  We realize they are human … and therefore fundamentally flawed and fundamentally valuable … just like us.   We watch as joy happens and sorrow happens … and we slowly come to see that life is both elegant and uncertain.

While we may want to return their ugly behavior with our own ugly behavior … we painfully come to notice that this makes all measures of suffering increase – ours, theirs and the suffering in the relationship.  We come to see that we do not have to let our children or our partner’s behavior determine our own … but that we always have a choice to be loving and just … even when it is the hardest thing we do.  And when we make this choice our integrity grows, our confidence in our abilities soar and we become a more fulfilled person. Marriage is a paradox and a spiritual endeavor.  When we determine to notice our partner’s goodness and hold ourselves accountable to offer just and loving responses, we grow in grace and compassion.  We grow more and more into the person we were created to be.  Free to live and love in spite of life and because of life.

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Marriage … and the Nature of a River

Posted on March 21, 2012 by

Today I was reading the book Take Back Your Marriage by friend and colleague Bill Doherty.  Bill uses the metaphor of a river trip to describe the journey of marriage.  Living in the northwest, I can relate to this idea. In the summer many people float and raft down the rivers around the Puget Sound. I got thinking about the beginning of marriage and the Wenatchee River in summer.  This river has stretches that meander along slow and gentle.  Along these stretches in the hot summer sun, you’ll find floaters tied together in gigantic inner tubes.  Their laughter and conversation float along with their floatie of cold beer. Early in marriage, with the support of friends and family, the determination of newly spoken vows and often the absence of children, marriage can feel a bit like a lovely float down the Wenatchee in late summer.  Like a person new to river rafting … having a class I or II river to learn on is necessary while you learn the techniques of managing a river both in and out of the boat.  Marriage in this phase is often easy, taking minimal effort and is fun.  In fact it is easy to forget you are in a raft, let alone notice that you are in fact moving down the river … down toward new areas, new landscapes … change … maybe even class V rapids.

Being in a river raft oblivious to the passing scenery and signs of change can catch you off guard when all of a sudden you see massive rapids ahead.  Hands and beer go flying as you try to quickly remember what to do.  “Where do we sit?, How do we paddle?, What do we avoid? … oh! $&*^!”   I see this all the time with marriage.  People meander unaware of signs that rapids are coming.  Maybe they are spending more time at work.  Maybe less time together.  Maybe they are perpetually distracted placing other demands of life ahead of caring for their relationship.  Maybe a sense of dissatisfaction or loneliness gets converted into irritation, criticism and arguing – aka unhelpful paddling.  Add to this mix a child, a loss of a job, the illness of a loved one and you are in over your head … trying to get back in the boat.

Expecting rapids not to come is like expecting a river to be a lake.  Rapids come, the water moves downstream, and the speed of the river changes.  The river cannot be stopped just as time cannot be stopped.  One of the most common mistakes people make is to forget the nature of marriage, the nature of time, the nature of a river.  When couples forget they are on a river, that change will come, they often turn their discontent on each other.  They blame the other for their unhappiness or their stress.  It is like one person in a raft turning to another and rather than preparing to survive the rapids, begins blaming him for the nature of the river.   “How could you let us get into this mess??!  It was your job to keep us in that fun place!” This is as helpful in river rafting as it is in marriage … not so much.

If you have found yourself blaming your partner in times of stress, ask yourself how you see the nature of marriage.  Is it a noun – a wedding you had many years ago, a static thing you mostly ignore or is it a process, a journey, a verb?  When hard times come, do you see them as a sign that something is wrong with your marriage, with your partner or with you? Or do you see it as a momentary rapid requiring care, determination, skill and effort?  When your marriage is going well are you more apt to not notice – taking for granted that ‘this is how it should be’?  Or do you see it as a momentary time to enjoy (float, laugh, have a cold beer) and a time to strengthen your skills so the next rapids can be exhilarating instead of death-defying?

A marriage made of two people who understand the nature of marriage and who intentionally strengthen, cherish and value the process weather the storms and rapids. They gather more and more stories … and they grow in wisdom, compassion and love.  They remain in the boat.  Each period of perilous rapids reinforces their bond and helps them to know how to prepare for the next ones.  They see their times of floating as a delicious reprieve, a time to repair any holes, and a time to enjoy the sensual pleasures around them.  They take it all in and lavish that joy on each other.  Their marriage not only survives, it thrives.  These are the folks who have many stories of rapids and floats, of making mistakes and learning from them, and who say, “Yep, I’d do it all again!”

… they understand the nature of a river.

 

NEXT COUPLE’S INTIMACY RETREAT- OCTOBER 18 – 21, 2012    Sign-ups begin April 1st.

For more information:  http://tinaschermersellers.com/intimacy-retreats/

Link to register:  http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/GSSRWebRegistration

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The Blessing … a poem

Posted on March 19, 2012 by

About a month ago I attended an event at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS) where the director, Dr. Ted McIlvenna, recited a poem his father had written.  I share this poem for three reasons – one, it captivated me; two, Dr Ted turned 80 this week; and three, we each need people who inspire us to stand up for what we believe is right.  Ted is a man who has fought tirelessly for sexual civil rights.

This poem speaks of life’s mystery and elegance, its paradox and anguish. May it invite you into this mystery we call life …

The Blessing        by Robert McIlvenna  1932

A fire mist and a planet – A crystal and a cell – A jelly fish and a saurian – Then a sense of law and duty – A face turned from the clod

Some of us call it evolution, others call it God

A haze on the dim horizon – The infinite tender sky – The rich red tint of the corn field – And wild geese flying high – And all over upland and lowland – The charm of the golden rod

Some of us call it autumn, others call it God

Like waves on a crescent sea beach – When the moon is new and thin – Into our heart high yearnings – Come surging and welling in – Come from a mystic ocean  – Whose rim no foot has trod

Some of us call it longing, others call it God

A picket frozen on duty – A mother starved for her brood – Socrates drinking the hemlock – And Jesus on the rood – And thousands of humble and nameless – The straght hard pathway trod

Some of us call it consecration, others call it God

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